Have you ever felt leashed by your fears? Recently, I received a response on one of my posts on Facebook about solo hiking being a “bad idea”. I completely understand this fear and know that this comment was based on fear of traveling alone. Fear that our culture has instilled in us. Fear that I have been determined to counteract because I have been able to overcome it.
As a 5’1 woman, I understand this feeling of constantly being afraid, and I spent most of my youth waiting around for people to be available to do things with me. I was incredibly unhappy and felt so unfulfilled with life. I also resented my friends because I felt like no one ever wanted to do things with me. Although this was false, because everyone has lives, it was the irrational thought that I used to make sense of what was going on around me. But this fear of traveling alone is what caused me to have this thought and what made my situation unbearable.
This fear was instilled in my subconscious from my parents at a young age. They were always terrified of me chatting with strangers or wandering off in the store by myself to grab something that I wanted. Many parents do this, so it wasn’t a behavior that was out of the norm to do with your children. The fear that my mother had of losing us was so strong that she needed us close. Sometimes even putting leashes on us… yes, they exist… look it up. I have pictures and videos of being leashed by the wrist to my mother at Disney World when I was 2 or 3 years old. This is where the fear begins and it only grows from there.
I was always the social butterfly and explorer of my family. My siblings are not as social, my brother having his same friends from high school and college, and my sister only having her husband and a few friends from college. My mother is always alone at home, and my father is always working or dealing with his health. I always had the desire to be free and social. I love people. I love understanding how different minds work and why I connect with some and don’t with others. The issue with being social is that you find it difficult to travel alone. A lot of people continue to give warnings to me to this day, even after knowing that I have continued to travel solo with or without their warnings. I always give those who are concerned about me all the info regarding my trips, so if something were to happen, they know where to go searching for me.
It took me a while to get there and counteract that fear that was in my subconscious for years. When I was in high school, I was afraid to go to the grocery store by myself because of that fear. Only until I went to college and started doing things for myself was when I realized that this phobia of being alone was what drove every interaction that I had. I had become a total people pleaser because I didn’t want to be abandoned by anyone, but I was only abandoning myself. I would wait around and bother my friends to do things like go to Walmart or Falls Cut or even the bar. The anxiety that my phobia had caused was sometimes crippling. Enough that when I moved into my boyfriend’s dorm my sophomore year, I didn’t want to leave, even when things were way beyond toxic.
When he left me to be with his ex-girlfriend, I was devastated. I ended up leaving school and moving back in with my parents because I was afraid of dealing with abandonment again. I ended up getting help with my anxiety even though I couldn’t pinpoint why it was happening. Nothing helped. I was still the same old people pleaser, stuck in a life that didn’t align with my beliefs, but I was so wrapped up in the fact that this was how I was SUPPOSED to live. I was supposed to be afraid to be alone. I was supposed to live in a life that feared being isolated. So, I never brought that up in my therapy sessions, to my psychiatrists, to anyone, because I thought what I was feeling was normal. To a certain extent it is, many people are afraid to travel alone to be alone, so much so that apps are created for it.
Unfortunately, this fear stuck around for many years after the therapy started and to a certain extent, it is still around. I went through countless years of fear and losing friends and lovers because of this. I would always blame someone else, but the reality was, I hadn’t faced my phobia yet. I ended up breaking this cycle three years ago. Some claim major life transitions happen after breakups and sometimes they are right. I had been in my last toxic, long-term relationship and we broke it off right after Halloween in 2022. I wasn’t heartbroken, I was angry. He had been cheating on me with the person I considered my best friend. Why do I always end up in these situations? I would think to myself. I had gotten used to playing the victim because I thought my feelings were valid. As I said, to a certain extent, they were. Everything and everyone I had been associated with up to that point had told me that being that way was normal. I spent about two months drowning myself in alcohol and drugs to forget about what I had experienced. I wanted to run away.
Then, on New Year’s Day 2023, I woke up in a different frame of mind. I was hung over and irritated at myself for wasting a day of the new year wallowing in my sorrows and resting my head on the toilet seat. I was done. I needed to figure out how to make the cycle stop. I decided to cut myself completely off from alcohol and drugs for three months and then reevaluate. I am working in the alcohol industry, and it is hard to tell people that you are sober because “drinking is cool”. Usually taking a break means “I got a DUI and it’s court mandated” or “I had a REALLY bad night and need to take it easy for a little, but I’ll be back”. The latter was somewhat true, but it didn’t really cover the extent of what the issue really was.
I went with a white lie of it being health related. While it is true that my Rheumatoid Arthritis flares up more in the winter, I hadn’t had a flare up in about four years thanks to Kevzara. I told them I went with three months because “the industry is the slowest during this time and that’s how long it takes for your liver to rejuvenate.” HA! Complete BS, but it worked. I didn’t want to tell the truth for fear of being abandoned, so I just did what I thought was acceptable and moved on my way.
I spent most of January trying to journal and kept getting blocked. Most of my entries looked like, “Today is a very bad day. I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this,” instead of writing what I really felt. I ended up getting offered a job from another brewery and almost went over to work for them. The brewery I work for countered and made an offer I couldn’t refuse.
Philly and much of PA would be in my footprint starting February 1. I would be traveling there alone. I decided that this was the perfect opportunity to break the cycle. I had already made baby steps in the right direction. I got over my fear of supermarket travel after my hiatus from college and deciding to go back; I got over my fear of a solo flight my senior year of college; I got over my fear of solo bar hopping when in my early thirties; and I got over my fear of eating out alone when I started working for the brewery.
When I went back to college I had a car, and therefore, I was making a bunch of solo runs to the Walmart in La Vale, fifteen minutes or so from Frostburg’s campus. The first trip out was uncomfortable, but when nothing bad happened, I decided that it wasn’t a dire situation to go and do simple errands alone.
I was living in Canton, Baltimore, when I got over my fear of solo bar hopping. I had just broken up with my birthday twin. Yes, I dated a man with the EXACT SAME birthday as me. Year and all. He left me for his high school love, and they ended up getting married. I went to the bar that was on the corner from my house. I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE because I only was an acquaintance of the owner of the bar from one night that I went there with my ex. She welcomed me with open arms. I thought, “Hey… this isn’t that uncomfortable. You like people. You need to venture out and meet more.” I even got so used to solo hopping that I would walk home, BY MYSELF, at 2 AM, in BALTIMORE without a care in the world.
I got over flying solo after breaking a fling with a friend off in college. One of my best friends had gotten married and moved to Mississippi. She knew I was crushed by this and offered to fly me down to see her. I was SO SCARED. But, if I had continued to give into my fear, I never would have had the experiences that will forever guide people away from the Detroit airport. That, I will get into another day.
My first trip to Philly was overwhelming, but so much fun. It is a much bigger city than Baltimore, but I knew it would be a great experience for me. I was right. Not only did I stay in a good place, but I was able to explore a lot of what the city had to offer after working my full 8 hours, going to and from bars, bottle shops, and beer stores. I felt invisible. What I had been working up to for so long was becoming a reality. I was FINALLY going to get over my fear.
Once it started getting up into the 50s during the day, I started doing a little more solo hiking. I had done it a few times before, but I really honed into it. I started appreciating nature in a different way and found solace in it. I also used it to heal from my relationship and really deal with the issue at hand. I have become picky in what I want from a relationship and this half-assed measure of texting when convenient or meeting through apps just doesn’t work for me. I don’t continuously look for someone I can spend my time with, rather, who is worth me opening my time for them.
I am still working on finding that happy medium, but it will come in time. I have only been doing the solo thing for three years. In that time, I have come to know who I am, what I want, and how I need to change to get there. In March of 2023, I decided to start my own Instagram, Roxy’s World Adventures, to record my transformation. It was kind of a test to see how far I could come.
Each year I set a long-term goal for myself to really transform into the person that I know that I am. Year one was breaking the pattern of fear, year two was finding spirituality, and this year working on my health and wellness. I will continue to work on these goals and set more for myself as I move forward through my life and maybe come back to some if I waver.
Recently, I went through another hard transformation, but my growth was put to the test. I had dated someone who I knew it wasn’t going to work out with. Instead of waiting around and trying to make it work, I ended it. No questions, no explanations, just said “I don’t think we work together,” and that was that. After the entirety of this story, you will be able to see that this was no easy feat for me. But through all the growth and solo transformations that I accomplished, I was finally able to put my best foot forward. My eyes are on the prize.
None of this would have happened if I hadn’t overcome my fear of solo travel. The lessons I learned from taking myself out of my comfort zone are so valuable that I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I still travel with some sort of protection on me and I am ALWAYS vigilant, but I don’t let that fear take me over anymore. So, I challenge YOU! What transformations would you go through if you took one step on the trail by yourself?
